So for the last 6 months or so, and even before that I went silent about my journey to self actualization.
Not that I felt I was at the end of my journey, but mostly because I have been too into myself and then other things got in the way of blogging, and there was the whole long period of time when I wasn't comfortable with where my computer was in the house, and then the boys taking over the computers, not feeling I had time to write when I really wanted to write, the list goes on and on and on.
Something came up today, and I totally want to address it, and if you are reading this, even in stalker mode, then you are interested to know about me. Might make us better friends, might make you delete me. It is ok. It is what it is.
hmmm... where to start? I guess maybe with me telling of all the horribly bad choices I have made in my life...
Some of you were there for these, some weren't, some won't talk about them because they are the past and not worth talking about....
Letssee... My first date was with a guy who later after high school became involved with devil worship. His mom told me when I worked for her after graduation. My second date was with a guy who was actually incredible, and we hung out a LOT, he spent days at my house watching the 84 Olympics, we did churchy things together, he was a great friend. And I was so stupid and naive that I had no clue he might want to be more. He was older than I was. My third boyfriend was someone we never talk about. EVER. But I will here. This was the guy I thought I was in love with, the bad boy, the persistent boy who chased me until I gave in. My first "time". Also the drug user. And when I got pregnant for him, and told my parents and his parents, I was not given a choice, I was driven to Baton Rouge and forced to have an abortion. An act that I am thankful for at times, and horrified that I allowed it to happen at others. You see, at the time of it all, I was a heavy drinker, pot smoker, pill taker. Yup. ME. I did ALL those things. Not proud of it. Not ashamed. It just is what it is. It happened, can't change it, must move on from there. Had a few boyfriends since, was engaged to a few a few times, nothing traumatic, then I married David in 1994. I have had 2 serious transgressions while married to David, he knows of them. I left him to live with this guy in another state for a few months, was a total bitch, and yet he forgave me, welcomed me back, swept it all under the rug, and we don't talk about it. Nothing to say. I am still a relentless flirt, and if you ever met me you would know why. :-)
Oh, I have dated older men, younger men, blacks, whites, Jews, Malaysians, Chinese, 2 gay guys and even one psychiatrist. So yeah, those stories are true.
Hmmm... I started drinking in about the 9th grade, when I started at Comeaux, mostly because one of my best friends who was a year older than me was a drinker. I couldn't tell you how many nights I spent at the Strip, or someone's house.It was through her that I met my best friends of all time, who were a male gay couple, and who even with our immense age difference spent tons of time with me. They accepted me for the nerdy closet alcoholic I was, and I accepted them for their fabulousness!!! They were there for me during some of the roughest, most horrifying years of my life and even after. I was devastated when they moved to Houston and broke up, right around the height of the AIDS epidemic. We had lost a LOT of friends all in one year, and it had taken a toll on everyone. I started doing drugs and smoking in my junior/senior year. And drinking, always drinking.
After high school I moved around, still drinking heavily, and lived with a dear friend who is on my facebook. We went through hell together for a while there. She was a single mom, pregnant again, coming out of a horrible abusive relationship. She is one of the best influences on my life. And even still, we had some of the most awesome times of my life together.
Ok... now I am to getting married to David. His family NEVER liked me, they never gave me the chance. I was fat and intimidating, and he had just broken up with someone similar, and they hated her, so they hated me. (At least that was what I was told, and my perception) We lived together for a while, broke up, got back together, broke up, got engaged, broke up, and finally got together and got married. My parents were there at the Justice of the Peace. He didn't tell his family for months afterwards. That was NOT my decision, it was his. I had been under the impression that he did ask them, and they refused. We moved out of Louisiana then, and bought a trailer in the country near my parents.
Now, here is where today's issues come in. I have NEVER been a girlie girl, I had never been one to gossip, but about this time, I was getting phone calls from some of my inlaws, and that is all they wanted to do. Gossip about the rest of the family. To try to fit in, I did too. And OMG was there trouble there. A LOT of twisting my words, putting things in my mouth, anything to make me out to be the bad person. Of course, I also learned about that whole "I can talk bad about my family but YOU cannot" thing. I learned it that very hard way. So I stopped taking calls,which made me a bitch, and then there was a long time that we were without a phone, so that helped a LOT! (BTW--- this is the habit I have a VERY difficult time with, I struggle with it to this day. I get caught up and then when I realize it all, I hate myself for it. But some times I can catch myself and stop.)
At this point I was no longer drinking alcohol or doing any type of drug other than cigarettes.
Ok... so now we are up to when I had Nathan and Fletcher.... Nathan was 11 weeks premature. He weighed 2 lbs. The doctors told us he had a low chance of making it to puberty, told us he would be legally blind by then if he survived and that he would never drive a car. He was in the NICU for 114 days. And has been in therapy of one sort or another ever since. I felt so cheated out of having a "normal" pregnancy, that as soon as I was able, I got pregnant again. (I had to wait 3 months because of a rubella shot) I waited, and we found out we were having twins. Unfortunately, 15 weeks early, one of them died inside me, necessitating the immediate birth of the other. So Fletcher was born 15 weeks early,weighed just under 1 pound, and I was told right away that he only had a 10% chance to live at all. He made it through many infections, quarantines etc and was in the NICU for 116 days. My Inlaws came through for us to bury my son in a marked grave. And for that I am forever grateful. My Inlaw was there to bring Fletcher home from the hospital with all of his equipment and oxygen tanks. For that I am forever grateful. My Inlaw cosigned a loan for us so that I could get a vehicle to transport two sick babies around in, and again, I am forever thankful for that. We paid that loan off before it was due. We paid in such a timely manner the company gave us a second loan without co signer which was paid off early, also.
Now, we lived about 2 hours from our inlaws, in Mississippi, where there are casinos. A few times, they made the long trip for birthdays or just to come. Then they started to say they were coming, I would prepare the house, have it spotless, buy extra food, have everything perfect, and they wouldn't show up. We would call and call, and not hear anything back for days, only to find out they went to visit someone else, or they "got lost" and ended up at the casinos until after dark. Those days my boys were anticipating a visit, the house was brimming with excitement, only to be let down. and this happened more than 5 times. After that, I finally learned and stopped preparing for them.
It made more sense for them to come to us, I had two babies, one on monitors and oxygen, and they just had their adult selves. Then, my inlaws were in a major car accident, and once everything was over, and the settlement came in, we were made a promise that never happened. (I was told that I was to be taken to WalMart so they could buy me $250 in groceries, because that was what EACH of the kids got as a gift). Now we could have used those groceries, but it was another casino day, or something and it never happened. Now this whole time, my husband's niece and nephews were getting huge expensive gifts, constantly, a few automobiles were handed out, all kinds of stuff. At least those are the things that WE were told was going on, usually it 'slipped' in conversations. My kids didn't have Christmas from them, but I was constantly being told about their gifts to the other family members.
My cousins whom I had not even spent time with or talked to in YEARS came through with Christmas for my kids. I have NOT forgotten their kindness, love and generosity. My Aunt came through with presents for my boys after we moved up here.
We lost contact with my inlaws once we moved to Cleveland in 2004. The whole time, I am harboring ill feelings about being lied to all those years before. At one point in those 3 years before we moved up here, a situation arose where one of my inlaws was in need of a place to stay for a few days, we offered up our home, I found a babysitter for my boys, drove, helped them pack, got them moved into our house, and under my husband's urging, was elected the one to try and help them with coming up with a budget, or whatever. During this time, I was fighting for my kid's services, battling money issues, family, and having 2 people move in unexpectedly. And I didn't WANT to do that, and probably came off as some know it all jerk. In the end, I had to do what my husband wanted, of COURSE it all went badly, and a relationship was ruined because of it. And that most certainly broke my heart. (Did I learn my lesson? uh, NO.)
Once we were up here, I started drinking again to fit in with a group of friends, and screwed that up royally, and will never be able to make it right again. So I went back to not really drinking (by this I mean drinking every single day, I still am able to have a drink or two, or even three and only once in a while, but I try VERY hard to watch every word out of my mouth when I do. (I am learning!!!) And I do not keep it in the house at all. (Except we still have some nasty gross beer in the fridge from the parties. David likes one once in a while. UGH!!)
Now we are up to date... year before last, I was contacted by an inlaw who asked for money or advice, not sure which about a family member who needed a place to stay, was going without food and living in their car or back and forth between friends. I offered for them to come stay with us, get into college here, and get on their feet, rent free, and was snubbed. Ok. At the time I was hurt. But then I realized that even though *I* care about people I don't know, this person was only like 8 the last time we met, and they didn't know me or David or the boys at all. But I wanted to do whatever I could, and all I could do was offer shelter.
Now we come to last year, when I had my next run in with my inlaws. I was asked for an amount of money I did not have. I asked around and could not raise that amount of money, so I offered what I had. Shelter. I offered this person to stay with us rent free until they could get on their own, which SHOULD have taken maybe 2 months, 3 at the most. David was against this idea. He put his foot down and said no way is this going to happen. I argued that this is family, and we HAVE to help however we can. I saw this as a way to mend bridges, in addition to it being the right thing to do. It backfired completely in my face, just as David had said it would. I was disrespected in my house, I was talked down to, put down, and made to feel like crap for 6 months. Some of my things were damaged or thrown away, and I was made to feel uncomfortable in my own house. In the entire 6 months this person spent maybe a total of 6 hours with my boys. But spent a total of many days texting and calling my husband's other niece and nephews and family and friends. For 6 months I kept my mouth shut. I did everything in my own power to NOT cause any type of conflict or to make this person feel ill at ease. I did everything possible to make this person comfortable, offered a bed (it was refused), bought a TV, had cable installed in their room, gave them their own coffee maker to have the coffee they liked (It was refused), and had my hand bit at every turn. I bit my tongue so much that some days I felt I couldn't even speak. I chauffeured them around when they needed, I listened to stories of my inlaws, all the while being lied to, mislead, and put down. My children's friends did not want to come over anymore. They were disrespected in my house. But I stayed silent. I tried to make this person understand how to live within your means, not by lecture, but by example, but it was lost. This person did pay David a little bit for rent, mostly because all the bills increased significantly (we had not anticipated the huge increase) and this person bought food once or twice a month, which was a huge help, but still 2-3 weeks out of every month treated me like crap. Then again, we had to borrow money to get this person home again, with the promise it would be repaid, and well, you KNOW I am not falling for that again.
With this being said, I am certain I was a bitch at times. Fighting to keep Fletcher's disability, dealing with all members of MY family, having no money to do things we would normally have done, monthly cycles, devastating things happening to people I have grown to care about outside of the family, weather, bills, etc. I am sure that my body language spoke very loudly, and I want to apologize for that, but I cannot just yet. I am human, I am NOT perfect. But this is MY house. And that should have been respected.
So there you have it... most of the crap about me... Of course, I didn't touch on religion, political affiliation, child rearing, mental illnesses, or a million other things that make me who I am. Mostly because I am now exhausted from going back through this, editing, re-editing, I removed about 5 thousand words. Airing my dirty laundry? Yes, I have nothing to hide.
I am a jerk, and a most horrible person. I am a bitch because I am horrible socially. I am wicked, evil, and hated. I have screwed up monumentally!!! And I am sorry for those things. But by the same token, I will be there for YOU at the drop of a hat if I am able. I will pay your bills if I am able. I will give you my clothes if you want them. I will watch your kids for free, help out at the schools, help out with fund raising, help out if at all possible and guess what??? I will NEVER ask for anything in return... And yes, I am sadly certain world war 3 is going to erupt, and I apologize in advance, but the air needs to be cleared. Believe me when I say, this is not some sudden rage filled post. Months of preparation have gone into this. I just knew that however it was done, I had to have witnesses there to defend me when my words, intentions get skewed around. The sad thing is that I know I have been lied about, and once haters tell and believe those words, there is no changing them.
Oh, by the way, I am open for questions, clarifications, apologies, post-editing, laughs, or whatever.
I love you!!!!
Sunday, July 1, 2012
Thursday, November 17, 2011
Ok, so no nap... Instead my head has been spinning about people and their "quirks" and me and my own "quirks" and I just cannot take it anymore.
I KNOW I am not PERFECT. No person who lives on this earth is. I have my faults, shortcomings, issues, whatever you want to call them. And one of them is my problem with not truly understanding why people are the way they are. As for me, I *think* I am pretty straight forward. If you ask me a question, be prepared for an honest answer. I am tolerant to the extreme in a lot of aspects of life. I sin, a lot, but I have a good heart, and a good soul, and I try my best to help others when I possibly can and I believe in God and fate, and Karma, and all kinds of things. I believe I am doing the best I can.
But, help me, I simply cannot understand people to save my life. I have done a million good deeds in my life without ever expecting anything back. If there is ever someone who needed something and I didn't give, it is because I didn't have it to give, but would have if I could. A friend reminded me the other day that I was there to help their family when they needed it. I have not even thought about doing this for them in years, I had even forgotten that I did it. (We paid for them to have a home phone for like 2 or 3 years or something like that) We STILL pay for my parents to have phones, and have done so for about 7 years, and have not for a second considered it to be a burden, or a chore. It is just what it is. We do not expect anything back from it. I have helped people in the past who have lost their homes, babysat for friends for free, given strangers the jacket off my back so they could have some comfort, cleaned people's rat infested houses (and recruited a few other lovely, giving, caring, ladies to help). Sometimes those good deeds turn bad, and I feel horribly when they do, but I cannot stop trying to help others out.
Even having said all of this, please, do not think of me as a door mat. I am able to say NO when I need to. Most of the good deeds I have done, came from my heart, not from anyone asking me to help them. I volunteered to help. I accept that, and feel it is important for you to know. There have been many times when people have refused my help. I get that, the whole "don't want charity" pride bullshit. I don't really understand it, but I get that it is a good excuse for people to use. they do not want me have something over them. (Which I wouldn't do). They do not want me to lecture them about responsibility. (Which I won't do). So why won't they accept my help?
IDK.... I don't get it, and I probably never will... I just needed to get these thoughts out of my head so I can be rested for the remainder of my day, I suppose.
ILY
I KNOW I am not PERFECT. No person who lives on this earth is. I have my faults, shortcomings, issues, whatever you want to call them. And one of them is my problem with not truly understanding why people are the way they are. As for me, I *think* I am pretty straight forward. If you ask me a question, be prepared for an honest answer. I am tolerant to the extreme in a lot of aspects of life. I sin, a lot, but I have a good heart, and a good soul, and I try my best to help others when I possibly can and I believe in God and fate, and Karma, and all kinds of things. I believe I am doing the best I can.
But, help me, I simply cannot understand people to save my life. I have done a million good deeds in my life without ever expecting anything back. If there is ever someone who needed something and I didn't give, it is because I didn't have it to give, but would have if I could. A friend reminded me the other day that I was there to help their family when they needed it. I have not even thought about doing this for them in years, I had even forgotten that I did it. (We paid for them to have a home phone for like 2 or 3 years or something like that) We STILL pay for my parents to have phones, and have done so for about 7 years, and have not for a second considered it to be a burden, or a chore. It is just what it is. We do not expect anything back from it. I have helped people in the past who have lost their homes, babysat for friends for free, given strangers the jacket off my back so they could have some comfort, cleaned people's rat infested houses (and recruited a few other lovely, giving, caring, ladies to help). Sometimes those good deeds turn bad, and I feel horribly when they do, but I cannot stop trying to help others out.
Even having said all of this, please, do not think of me as a door mat. I am able to say NO when I need to. Most of the good deeds I have done, came from my heart, not from anyone asking me to help them. I volunteered to help. I accept that, and feel it is important for you to know. There have been many times when people have refused my help. I get that, the whole "don't want charity" pride bullshit. I don't really understand it, but I get that it is a good excuse for people to use. they do not want me have something over them. (Which I wouldn't do). They do not want me to lecture them about responsibility. (Which I won't do). So why won't they accept my help?
IDK.... I don't get it, and I probably never will... I just needed to get these thoughts out of my head so I can be rested for the remainder of my day, I suppose.
ILY
Monday, October 24, 2011
Back to ME now.
It has been quite a few days since I posted on here.
I was sick, the kids were sick, I have been playing way too much Pocket Frogs and Bees on my phone. I have been helping at the school, I have been sleeping, and I have had kids with homework. Oh, and I also just haven't had much time to be alone with myself to think about things.
This weekend, I finally, yes, I said I finally made progress on my Christmas decorating. I finished my front porch ( aka my smoking room, the sun room, the only place that is mine all mine for 80% of the time.) I posted a bunch of pictures on Facebook, and a LOT of hecklers and haters out there criticize me for decorating early. I think they are all waiting too late.
Why do I put up Christmas trees before Halloween? Again, there are plenty of reasons why I do it. And I will defend myself.
1. I LOVE CHRISTMAS!
2. I LOVE to decorate!
3. I LOVE looking at all my hard work!
4. I LOVE the sparkle and the glitter!
Those are the good reasons. I do not understand why people will decorate the weekend after Thanksgiving, spend tons of money and time to make their house look like a showplace, and then rip it all down 5 weeks later. How do they have time to ENJOY it all?? They rush rush rush to get it done then the whole season is upon them, parties, playdates, plans, vacations... when do they have time to sit and ENJOY just looking at their work, and reflect on the meaning of it all?? I on the other hand, spend hours and hours planning what I will do, then more hours and hours executing those plans. I feel GREAT when I have it done, and I can sit by myself or with my family and just thrive in the MAGIC of it all.
I do understand that there are MANY people who couldn't care less for decorating, or who cannot decorate, or who just see it as a chore. Well... can I ask a favor? Don't try to bring ME down because YOU don't feel the way I do about it all. I am sorry your excitement of the holidays has been sullied. I am sorry you do not see the magic and beauty that I do in fairy lights and sparkly ornaments. I Understand people who have cats or ferrets may not want to decorate, since the furbabies do LOVE sparkly things and are very curious about them all. I Get that. (We once had a cat who destroyed a tree within minutes of it going up. I was disappointed, but took the tree right down.) I also understand those that do not celebrate Christmas. I respect your beliefs. I embrace your rights to your religious holidays. I am HAPPY that you have faith in something more! But please, respect me, and my beliefs and my 'insane' early decorating. I just want the feelings of Christmas to last as long as possible. :-)
For me the build up to the big day is the most important. Once Christmas is past, I begin to tear everything down immediately. I do not normally wait until New Years. The very next day is the packing day. One year, I even packed it all up Christmas night...
You may ask, if I love it so much, why do I not leave my stuff up and out all year? Easy answer to that!!! If it was up all year, it would not be special anymore. It gives me something to look forward to! It builds the excitement and helps me get through some tough times! Antici---------PATION!!!! Wonderful for the psyche!!!
Now those are some of the reasons, but there are other, darker, reasons that cause me to skip over "holidays" and move on to my favorite.
I will quickly surmise. My younger son is a twin. His Twin died the day that they were delivered. October 29. So Really?? I need to relive this every year?? No, I do not. It really ruined the holiday for me. So I skip it. It does help that Younger son is deathly, phobically, afraid of scary stuff, and so it is really no skin off my nose to pass on decorating for Halloween. I also have issues with celebrating a holiday based on DEATH, when my own loss still cuts thru my very soul every single time I think of it.
As for Thanksgiving. Well, I truly do not see why people must set aside ONE day in the year to be thankful. I am thankful every day. We eat turkey whenever we want to, we eat ham whenever we want to. Why must we try to have a day where the ENTIRE purpose is to show off someone's culinary skills, eat until we are sick, usually sitting with people we can't stand or do not have anything to say to. Can you not have a dinner party anytime you want to? And then you only have to be around the people you actually like! I have seen hundreds of movies with Thanksgiving dinners, and sure it LOOKS like an ideal moment in the year. But it brings together people who do not want to be brought together. Inevitably, someone gets drunk, or says something insensitive, or brings up bad things from the past... I know that I don't really care for this at all. I do respect those who do celebrate, and I wish them luck, and want their recipes, but for me, I would rather have a stress free day, with people I love and care for, ANY time of the year. OK... so maybe I am also a bit jealous of those "IDEAL" movie scenes... :-) {See I am a big girl, I can admit to myself what is really going on!!! One point for Psyche recognition... and motivation... :-) }I cannot truly remember having a PERFECT Thanksgiving... and so we quit trying, and honestly, I am happier this way!!! Mostly because my group of people who would come to a Thanksgiving dinner is small. Me, my Husband, my Older son, my Younger son, my Mom and my Dad. I do not have much contact with any extended family. They seem to have written me out of their lives. One of my siblings lives far away, the other does not care for me. But my group of people get together all the time, and we are always happy when we do!
Ok... this post is getting too long... and I need to look at my psyche for a bit more... I feel there are some issues I haven't dealt with yet that need some attention regarding holidays...
All my love!!!
I was sick, the kids were sick, I have been playing way too much Pocket Frogs and Bees on my phone. I have been helping at the school, I have been sleeping, and I have had kids with homework. Oh, and I also just haven't had much time to be alone with myself to think about things.
This weekend, I finally, yes, I said I finally made progress on my Christmas decorating. I finished my front porch ( aka my smoking room, the sun room, the only place that is mine all mine for 80% of the time.) I posted a bunch of pictures on Facebook, and a LOT of hecklers and haters out there criticize me for decorating early. I think they are all waiting too late.
Why do I put up Christmas trees before Halloween? Again, there are plenty of reasons why I do it. And I will defend myself.
1. I LOVE CHRISTMAS!
2. I LOVE to decorate!
3. I LOVE looking at all my hard work!
4. I LOVE the sparkle and the glitter!
Those are the good reasons. I do not understand why people will decorate the weekend after Thanksgiving, spend tons of money and time to make their house look like a showplace, and then rip it all down 5 weeks later. How do they have time to ENJOY it all?? They rush rush rush to get it done then the whole season is upon them, parties, playdates, plans, vacations... when do they have time to sit and ENJOY just looking at their work, and reflect on the meaning of it all?? I on the other hand, spend hours and hours planning what I will do, then more hours and hours executing those plans. I feel GREAT when I have it done, and I can sit by myself or with my family and just thrive in the MAGIC of it all.
I do understand that there are MANY people who couldn't care less for decorating, or who cannot decorate, or who just see it as a chore. Well... can I ask a favor? Don't try to bring ME down because YOU don't feel the way I do about it all. I am sorry your excitement of the holidays has been sullied. I am sorry you do not see the magic and beauty that I do in fairy lights and sparkly ornaments. I Understand people who have cats or ferrets may not want to decorate, since the furbabies do LOVE sparkly things and are very curious about them all. I Get that. (We once had a cat who destroyed a tree within minutes of it going up. I was disappointed, but took the tree right down.) I also understand those that do not celebrate Christmas. I respect your beliefs. I embrace your rights to your religious holidays. I am HAPPY that you have faith in something more! But please, respect me, and my beliefs and my 'insane' early decorating. I just want the feelings of Christmas to last as long as possible. :-)
For me the build up to the big day is the most important. Once Christmas is past, I begin to tear everything down immediately. I do not normally wait until New Years. The very next day is the packing day. One year, I even packed it all up Christmas night...
You may ask, if I love it so much, why do I not leave my stuff up and out all year? Easy answer to that!!! If it was up all year, it would not be special anymore. It gives me something to look forward to! It builds the excitement and helps me get through some tough times! Antici---------PATION!!!! Wonderful for the psyche!!!
Now those are some of the reasons, but there are other, darker, reasons that cause me to skip over "holidays" and move on to my favorite.
I will quickly surmise. My younger son is a twin. His Twin died the day that they were delivered. October 29. So Really?? I need to relive this every year?? No, I do not. It really ruined the holiday for me. So I skip it. It does help that Younger son is deathly, phobically, afraid of scary stuff, and so it is really no skin off my nose to pass on decorating for Halloween. I also have issues with celebrating a holiday based on DEATH, when my own loss still cuts thru my very soul every single time I think of it.
As for Thanksgiving. Well, I truly do not see why people must set aside ONE day in the year to be thankful. I am thankful every day. We eat turkey whenever we want to, we eat ham whenever we want to. Why must we try to have a day where the ENTIRE purpose is to show off someone's culinary skills, eat until we are sick, usually sitting with people we can't stand or do not have anything to say to. Can you not have a dinner party anytime you want to? And then you only have to be around the people you actually like! I have seen hundreds of movies with Thanksgiving dinners, and sure it LOOKS like an ideal moment in the year. But it brings together people who do not want to be brought together. Inevitably, someone gets drunk, or says something insensitive, or brings up bad things from the past... I know that I don't really care for this at all. I do respect those who do celebrate, and I wish them luck, and want their recipes, but for me, I would rather have a stress free day, with people I love and care for, ANY time of the year. OK... so maybe I am also a bit jealous of those "IDEAL" movie scenes... :-) {See I am a big girl, I can admit to myself what is really going on!!! One point for Psyche recognition... and motivation... :-) }I cannot truly remember having a PERFECT Thanksgiving... and so we quit trying, and honestly, I am happier this way!!! Mostly because my group of people who would come to a Thanksgiving dinner is small. Me, my Husband, my Older son, my Younger son, my Mom and my Dad. I do not have much contact with any extended family. They seem to have written me out of their lives. One of my siblings lives far away, the other does not care for me. But my group of people get together all the time, and we are always happy when we do!
Ok... this post is getting too long... and I need to look at my psyche for a bit more... I feel there are some issues I haven't dealt with yet that need some attention regarding holidays...
All my love!!!
Monday, October 17, 2011
Yeah, not such a great day....
Today was an epic fail on so many levels, it is hard to even write anything at all tonight.
Started out with me going to sleep about 1 am, and then not actually falling into deep sleep until almost 3 or so.
Turned out my Younger son (11 years old), had a headache, and couldn't sleep himself. After a few rounds of hugs, kisses and reassurances, he finally went back to his bed, Husband went and slept in there with him. I was keeping Husband up with my aggravating annoying coughing, and I do not blame him one bit for going to sleep elsewhere. This is one of those things that early in our marriage, I would have taken personally and as rejection, but learned to take it for what it is. We are both tired. He has to go to work early in the morning. He cannot sleep if I am hacking away, and tossing and turning. Common sense lets him go find a place he can sleep in peace. I am ok with this. Partly because MY tossing and turning was causing HIM to toss and turn, and that made it near impossible for either of us to sleep... and it is ok, because he was able to actually comfort our Younger, so he could sleep well, too.
So.... I needed to be up on time today (4:45 am) so that I could take a bath and get ready for my volunteering at school. I asked Husband to turn the light on and make sure I was up before he left for work. He did. I did. And then.... Ok... *****here is a TMI warning***** I couldn't leave the bathroom. I have been on two rounds of antibiotics, and since there is no way to put this delicately, I have the runs. Ok... I said it... ugh!!! Sorry... 3 days of this has taken its toll and my bottom is on fire. : - ( Add that to the inevitable bread baking down there, I am just NOT comfortable at all. So I never got into the shower before I had to get the kids up and ready.
Then I get the boys up, and Younger has a headache. Older says he only got 5 minutes of sleep. (That is nothing new, though) So we go thru our normal morning routine, washing hair, brushing teeth, getting dressed, etc... and Younger still had a headache. I gave him a tylenol, and fed him, and we left to go to school. As we sat waiting for Younger's school to open, he said his headache was not getting better, so I gave him an advil. I debated just keeping him home, but second guessed myself. He thought he was fine, and went to school.
I came home, and fully intended to shower to get ready to be back at the school for 9 am, and guess what happened? I felt so uncomfortable, I went back to bed. Husband came home for lunch at 10 and about 10:15 the phone rang, and it was the school. Fletcher was feeling so badly. I picked him up, and got in touch with the doctor who said to be there at 1, and they would squeeze us in. at 2, we left the doctor's office and went to pick up Older, then back to the doctor. Finally we get seen, he tested "very positive" for strep. The doctor checks both of their throats, and says Older will most likely be sick tomorrow, so we will see her again tomorrow... LOL... Really??? Just write the script now, and save us from all the waiting again... LOL... but it is ok.
So I didn't get to go to the Family Focus thing at school, didn't get to help out the book fair, and spent the afternoon with a ton of sick kids at the doctor's office. My boys seem to be just fine except for the headache. We came home and guess what I did? Ate the supper my Husband cooked (delish, by the way!) and then went back to bed.
I could make a thousand excuses for hibernating like I did today, I know it is justifiable, but I am still disappointed in myself. One of my ongoing goals is to stay awake more hours than I sleep in a 24 hour period. And today, I didn't meet that goal. I wasn't there for my boys for the hours that I slept, I wasn't there for the school, I wasn't there for me. I am dealing with the guilt of it.
I will keep trying, though. I will not give up! I will do my best every day to stay on track, and work on my journey as I can!!!!!
Started out with me going to sleep about 1 am, and then not actually falling into deep sleep until almost 3 or so.
Turned out my Younger son (11 years old), had a headache, and couldn't sleep himself. After a few rounds of hugs, kisses and reassurances, he finally went back to his bed, Husband went and slept in there with him. I was keeping Husband up with my aggravating annoying coughing, and I do not blame him one bit for going to sleep elsewhere. This is one of those things that early in our marriage, I would have taken personally and as rejection, but learned to take it for what it is. We are both tired. He has to go to work early in the morning. He cannot sleep if I am hacking away, and tossing and turning. Common sense lets him go find a place he can sleep in peace. I am ok with this. Partly because MY tossing and turning was causing HIM to toss and turn, and that made it near impossible for either of us to sleep... and it is ok, because he was able to actually comfort our Younger, so he could sleep well, too.
So.... I needed to be up on time today (4:45 am) so that I could take a bath and get ready for my volunteering at school. I asked Husband to turn the light on and make sure I was up before he left for work. He did. I did. And then.... Ok... *****here is a TMI warning***** I couldn't leave the bathroom. I have been on two rounds of antibiotics, and since there is no way to put this delicately, I have the runs. Ok... I said it... ugh!!! Sorry... 3 days of this has taken its toll and my bottom is on fire. : - ( Add that to the inevitable bread baking down there, I am just NOT comfortable at all. So I never got into the shower before I had to get the kids up and ready.
Then I get the boys up, and Younger has a headache. Older says he only got 5 minutes of sleep. (That is nothing new, though) So we go thru our normal morning routine, washing hair, brushing teeth, getting dressed, etc... and Younger still had a headache. I gave him a tylenol, and fed him, and we left to go to school. As we sat waiting for Younger's school to open, he said his headache was not getting better, so I gave him an advil. I debated just keeping him home, but second guessed myself. He thought he was fine, and went to school.
I came home, and fully intended to shower to get ready to be back at the school for 9 am, and guess what happened? I felt so uncomfortable, I went back to bed. Husband came home for lunch at 10 and about 10:15 the phone rang, and it was the school. Fletcher was feeling so badly. I picked him up, and got in touch with the doctor who said to be there at 1, and they would squeeze us in. at 2, we left the doctor's office and went to pick up Older, then back to the doctor. Finally we get seen, he tested "very positive" for strep. The doctor checks both of their throats, and says Older will most likely be sick tomorrow, so we will see her again tomorrow... LOL... Really??? Just write the script now, and save us from all the waiting again... LOL... but it is ok.
So I didn't get to go to the Family Focus thing at school, didn't get to help out the book fair, and spent the afternoon with a ton of sick kids at the doctor's office. My boys seem to be just fine except for the headache. We came home and guess what I did? Ate the supper my Husband cooked (delish, by the way!) and then went back to bed.
I could make a thousand excuses for hibernating like I did today, I know it is justifiable, but I am still disappointed in myself. One of my ongoing goals is to stay awake more hours than I sleep in a 24 hour period. And today, I didn't meet that goal. I wasn't there for my boys for the hours that I slept, I wasn't there for the school, I wasn't there for me. I am dealing with the guilt of it.
I will keep trying, though. I will not give up! I will do my best every day to stay on track, and work on my journey as I can!!!!!
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Goals...
Goals... I am starting out with small do-able goals. Baby Steps. One, two, three... easy-peasy.
My goal for yesterday was met. I cleaned off a cabinet type thing that was cluttered with papers, pencils, cds, books, receipts, all kinds of things. I made it look neat. I felt a sense of accomplishment. It made me feel better. Just one little 2 square foot of space that now looks pretty again. That was the physical goal. The mental goal was to clean the same sized area of my psyche. It was easier than I thought it would be to be positive when I showed it off. I found myself almost say " I have felt horrible today, and I didn't get a thing done." OMG how damaging is that to my self??? Instead, in mid-sentence I said, aloud, to my husband, "Look what I did today! I cleared this off!" One point for getting rid of self-negativity, and another for making myself see what I was doing as I was doing it. No one would have noticed what I had accomplished, it would have felt like the same poor pitiful me, good for nothing, loser, time-waster, never get anything done, lazy, blah, blah, blah.... But I made a conscious decision NOT to be that person at that moment!!! Baby Steps. Seems almost too easy, but it made a huge difference.
I am getting back to being me again. How did you do today?
My goal for today has been met, also. I faced a fear. I actually went INTO the attic and organized a few bins up there, and then vacuumed the mess the roofers left last year. The fear part? Spiders, bugs, the freaky badly lit attic. I conquered it today!!!! I was having small panic attacks the whole time, but I did it! Now I have a clean open space to put some bins of things I am not ready to let go of into. OH! AND I met another goal for today of baby step de-cluttering. I had some very old computer towers that had been torn apart that I was keeping to make magnet boards out of stored up in the attic. They are all now sitting by the trash can. They are not exactly what I need for my project, and I am not going to settle for less than what I want. Yeay me! Another positive thing I found out about myself!
The mom part of me also had a goal met today! I actually had my older son help me to move things! I made him feel useful, important, and needed. Without yelling, cussing, screaming, cajoling, begging, pleading. I simply said to him " I need your help today with moving some fairly light bins. The job will go easier if we work together." And he didn't roll his eyes, flounce, sigh or anything! He just helped! Oh I hope I can keep that part of it all up!!!! I do not know what I would have done if he had rolled his eyes or given me attitude. I am just so thankful that it went smoothly!!!
Well, the rest of the day wasn't so smooth, but we are getting through it! My younger son was 100% attitude, unhelpful, etc... but we shoved through it, and around the 'tude. I am looking back to see what I could have done differently, or if I could have said things differently, and of course, I could have. It is ok, though. I did my best!
So THIS is why he had the attitude..... (pictures)
This is the area we call the Loft. It is the boys' playroom. It is also called the Disaster Area. Or it was... as with most things, when one thing changes, so do others. I am working on cleaning up my psyche, and part of that is starting to like the house we live in. As it is I hate it. Yes, hate is a very strong word, and yes, I feel that strongly about this house. I cannot stand it. So, I am making myself like it a bit better. We are going to be moving some rooms around. I am trying to find my place inside this house, as well as in this family, and in my self. When we first moved in, I had a room that I used as my office. It had a door that could be closed. But circumstances forced me to put the boys beds into that room, and I lost my place. I still had an area, but it was very open, in a high traffic area, and overall very uncomfortable for me. So now my husband has a space, the boys have 2 spaces, and I am in the front room. The plan is to move my husband's office/music room and my office both into the Loft. The boys' toys and video games will be relocated to the "Dungeon", aka my husband's current space. We will see how that works out. No plans for moving all that around until the first of the month or so.
With that said.... I DID get somethings accomplished in the Loft today. I am VERY excited about what has been done, since I can look at it, and say "I did something today!" Here are the after shots:
The PILE is EVERYTHING that was NOT in its correct place. I will work on that tomorrow night. My way to clean their mess is to make a huge pile. Surround myself with bins, sit on my butt, and go through the pile piece by piece. Legos in one bin, Transformers in one bin, Pokemon in another, Bakugan in another, and so on. Then once everything is once again in its proper bin, a lid goes on the bin and all but two go into the attic. The two that are left out are available to be played with. When the kids get bored with those, we are supposed to put them away, and pull out a new bin. As you may have guessed, we got away from that system. The attic door is right there in the loft, and the kids just go in and out, getting all they want. Yet another reason to move them downstairs... (heh heh heh) It really does work very well when it is kept up, and that is part of what I am working on with myself, too... consistency.
Well, it is that time again... I have to get the Younger to do his math homework. Please God give me Strength! I can do this without ripping his head off. I can do this without ripping his head off. I can do this!!!!!!
LOVE ya!!
My goal for yesterday was met. I cleaned off a cabinet type thing that was cluttered with papers, pencils, cds, books, receipts, all kinds of things. I made it look neat. I felt a sense of accomplishment. It made me feel better. Just one little 2 square foot of space that now looks pretty again. That was the physical goal. The mental goal was to clean the same sized area of my psyche. It was easier than I thought it would be to be positive when I showed it off. I found myself almost say " I have felt horrible today, and I didn't get a thing done." OMG how damaging is that to my self??? Instead, in mid-sentence I said, aloud, to my husband, "Look what I did today! I cleared this off!" One point for getting rid of self-negativity, and another for making myself see what I was doing as I was doing it. No one would have noticed what I had accomplished, it would have felt like the same poor pitiful me, good for nothing, loser, time-waster, never get anything done, lazy, blah, blah, blah.... But I made a conscious decision NOT to be that person at that moment!!! Baby Steps. Seems almost too easy, but it made a huge difference.
I am getting back to being me again. How did you do today?
My goal for today has been met, also. I faced a fear. I actually went INTO the attic and organized a few bins up there, and then vacuumed the mess the roofers left last year. The fear part? Spiders, bugs, the freaky badly lit attic. I conquered it today!!!! I was having small panic attacks the whole time, but I did it! Now I have a clean open space to put some bins of things I am not ready to let go of into. OH! AND I met another goal for today of baby step de-cluttering. I had some very old computer towers that had been torn apart that I was keeping to make magnet boards out of stored up in the attic. They are all now sitting by the trash can. They are not exactly what I need for my project, and I am not going to settle for less than what I want. Yeay me! Another positive thing I found out about myself!
The mom part of me also had a goal met today! I actually had my older son help me to move things! I made him feel useful, important, and needed. Without yelling, cussing, screaming, cajoling, begging, pleading. I simply said to him " I need your help today with moving some fairly light bins. The job will go easier if we work together." And he didn't roll his eyes, flounce, sigh or anything! He just helped! Oh I hope I can keep that part of it all up!!!! I do not know what I would have done if he had rolled his eyes or given me attitude. I am just so thankful that it went smoothly!!!
Well, the rest of the day wasn't so smooth, but we are getting through it! My younger son was 100% attitude, unhelpful, etc... but we shoved through it, and around the 'tude. I am looking back to see what I could have done differently, or if I could have said things differently, and of course, I could have. It is ok, though. I did my best!
So THIS is why he had the attitude..... (pictures)
This is the area we call the Loft. It is the boys' playroom. It is also called the Disaster Area. Or it was... as with most things, when one thing changes, so do others. I am working on cleaning up my psyche, and part of that is starting to like the house we live in. As it is I hate it. Yes, hate is a very strong word, and yes, I feel that strongly about this house. I cannot stand it. So, I am making myself like it a bit better. We are going to be moving some rooms around. I am trying to find my place inside this house, as well as in this family, and in my self. When we first moved in, I had a room that I used as my office. It had a door that could be closed. But circumstances forced me to put the boys beds into that room, and I lost my place. I still had an area, but it was very open, in a high traffic area, and overall very uncomfortable for me. So now my husband has a space, the boys have 2 spaces, and I am in the front room. The plan is to move my husband's office/music room and my office both into the Loft. The boys' toys and video games will be relocated to the "Dungeon", aka my husband's current space. We will see how that works out. No plans for moving all that around until the first of the month or so.
With that said.... I DID get somethings accomplished in the Loft today. I am VERY excited about what has been done, since I can look at it, and say "I did something today!" Here are the after shots:
The PILE is EVERYTHING that was NOT in its correct place. I will work on that tomorrow night. My way to clean their mess is to make a huge pile. Surround myself with bins, sit on my butt, and go through the pile piece by piece. Legos in one bin, Transformers in one bin, Pokemon in another, Bakugan in another, and so on. Then once everything is once again in its proper bin, a lid goes on the bin and all but two go into the attic. The two that are left out are available to be played with. When the kids get bored with those, we are supposed to put them away, and pull out a new bin. As you may have guessed, we got away from that system. The attic door is right there in the loft, and the kids just go in and out, getting all they want. Yet another reason to move them downstairs... (heh heh heh) It really does work very well when it is kept up, and that is part of what I am working on with myself, too... consistency.
Well, it is that time again... I have to get the Younger to do his math homework. Please God give me Strength! I can do this without ripping his head off. I can do this without ripping his head off. I can do this!!!!!!
LOVE ya!!
And then...
Episode 1.5.
I made it back. That is great, right? Starting something new, making it a habit, trying to actually stick something out. Yep.
So the journey has begun.
Right now, on this day, I am depressed. I admit it, I own it, I embrace it. I do not seek attention, just some kind of validation for what I am feeling lately. I messaged a friend on Facebook about it, and I do admit, that getting it out on to some kind of media does help quite a bit. It truly helps to know that we are not alone on our journey though this life. It helps to know that your issues are not so insanely unique to you. It helps.
Through my journey, I am and have been, over-examining motivations of people. Best to start with what I know. What is my motivation for sharing this publicly, when I could just as easily have created a journal with a password, so that no one else could read it, keeping my personal thoughts to myself? Well, where is the fun in that? I only hope that somewhere, some person who can relate, will. That you or someone like you will be able to say, "Yeah, I get it." Maybe someone will be helped, or will help me. You never know. Maybe someone will find me funny. Have a great laugh. Maybe they need it. Maybe you need it. I know I need it. Also, I think a journey is more enjoyable with people to share it. Through most of this, I know I will be on my own. Trying new things, re-trying old things. Seeking a connection. But it is good to share. Get some perspective. See things through the eyes of others. You know, right?
So far, I have really said nothing, but then, too much both at the same time. Time for some background, introduction, or some reasonable facsimile of either.
I am Catherine. I am mom to two special needs kids. I am wife to a man who works. I am a daughter to elderly parents, one of whom has some kind of "old timers" stuff going on. I am a friend to a great variety of people. I am a college graduate with my B.S. degree in Psychology (yes, let the heckling begin, and the puns...) I live in Southeastern Tennessee. I am the baby of three siblings. I am unemployed. I am a volunteer to my children's schools. I have two children in heaven. I am not a pet owner anymore. I am a bleeding heart liberal. I am a Christian (well, sort of... I am a recovering Catholic. If you get the joke, then you are a step ahead already!) I am trying to find my place in this lovely world.
So right off the bat, you can tell I have a very easy life. Never a moment of trouble. Oh, I forgot to mention that I am also 42. I graduated in 1987--- right when the world went to shit. Or became extremely technologically advanced. Your opinion depends on who you voted for back then. I voted for Reagan, Dukakis, Perot, Clinton, Clinton, Clinton, and Obama. (I think I missed something in there, didn't I put in a vote for Gore somewhere? Or was it that other liberal guy? What is his name... you know... the one who was all about the environment?... Yeah, Him.) Ok, so that is about the extent of my political involvement. Don't expect anything else. I am more concerned with what happens in my little tiny world than the bigger picture. Yes, the big stuff affects me, but not as immediately as, say, my kids homework issues, or what we will eat for supper, or what I will plant on my Farmville today, or whether or not I will actually be awake for more hours than I sleep in a day. Gotta set some priorities, right?
Speaking of priorities... my iPhone is croaking at me, which means that I have some frogs maturing, and since I am now totally distracted and leaning toward a nonsensical ramble, I will sign off for now.
Can't wait to see where we go tomorrow...
I made it back. That is great, right? Starting something new, making it a habit, trying to actually stick something out. Yep.
So the journey has begun.
Right now, on this day, I am depressed. I admit it, I own it, I embrace it. I do not seek attention, just some kind of validation for what I am feeling lately. I messaged a friend on Facebook about it, and I do admit, that getting it out on to some kind of media does help quite a bit. It truly helps to know that we are not alone on our journey though this life. It helps to know that your issues are not so insanely unique to you. It helps.
Through my journey, I am and have been, over-examining motivations of people. Best to start with what I know. What is my motivation for sharing this publicly, when I could just as easily have created a journal with a password, so that no one else could read it, keeping my personal thoughts to myself? Well, where is the fun in that? I only hope that somewhere, some person who can relate, will. That you or someone like you will be able to say, "Yeah, I get it." Maybe someone will be helped, or will help me. You never know. Maybe someone will find me funny. Have a great laugh. Maybe they need it. Maybe you need it. I know I need it. Also, I think a journey is more enjoyable with people to share it. Through most of this, I know I will be on my own. Trying new things, re-trying old things. Seeking a connection. But it is good to share. Get some perspective. See things through the eyes of others. You know, right?
So far, I have really said nothing, but then, too much both at the same time. Time for some background, introduction, or some reasonable facsimile of either.
I am Catherine. I am mom to two special needs kids. I am wife to a man who works. I am a daughter to elderly parents, one of whom has some kind of "old timers" stuff going on. I am a friend to a great variety of people. I am a college graduate with my B.S. degree in Psychology (yes, let the heckling begin, and the puns...) I live in Southeastern Tennessee. I am the baby of three siblings. I am unemployed. I am a volunteer to my children's schools. I have two children in heaven. I am not a pet owner anymore. I am a bleeding heart liberal. I am a Christian (well, sort of... I am a recovering Catholic. If you get the joke, then you are a step ahead already!) I am trying to find my place in this lovely world.
So right off the bat, you can tell I have a very easy life. Never a moment of trouble. Oh, I forgot to mention that I am also 42. I graduated in 1987--- right when the world went to shit. Or became extremely technologically advanced. Your opinion depends on who you voted for back then. I voted for Reagan, Dukakis, Perot, Clinton, Clinton, Clinton, and Obama. (I think I missed something in there, didn't I put in a vote for Gore somewhere? Or was it that other liberal guy? What is his name... you know... the one who was all about the environment?... Yeah, Him.) Ok, so that is about the extent of my political involvement. Don't expect anything else. I am more concerned with what happens in my little tiny world than the bigger picture. Yes, the big stuff affects me, but not as immediately as, say, my kids homework issues, or what we will eat for supper, or what I will plant on my Farmville today, or whether or not I will actually be awake for more hours than I sleep in a day. Gotta set some priorities, right?
Speaking of priorities... my iPhone is croaking at me, which means that I have some frogs maturing, and since I am now totally distracted and leaning toward a nonsensical ramble, I will sign off for now.
Can't wait to see where we go tomorrow...
Saturday, October 15, 2011
In the beginning...
Episode 1.
In the beginning there was a woman who was so depressed she wanted to give up on life, love, and other pursuits known to man. But she didn't. She stuck around, toughed it out, and went on to have so many grand adventures in her life, that she felt the need to share them.
So here we are. One of my favorite movies of all time is "Elizabethtown". This movie has spoken to me on about twenty different levels. The huge, epic fail. Picking up the pieces. Self realization. Self Actualization. The Big Romance. Parenting. The list goes on. But my opinion of the overall theme is embedded deeply into my gray matter.
WE ARE INTREPID. WE CARRY ON.
We are. We do. And so we may do it together.
At this point, I am in the middle of my day, and needed to put some words down, just to get them out of my head. I needed to get this introduction completed so that other thoughts and ideas can creep around and claim my attention. So I will be back later. Thanks for joining me on my journey.
In the beginning there was a woman who was so depressed she wanted to give up on life, love, and other pursuits known to man. But she didn't. She stuck around, toughed it out, and went on to have so many grand adventures in her life, that she felt the need to share them.
So here we are. One of my favorite movies of all time is "Elizabethtown". This movie has spoken to me on about twenty different levels. The huge, epic fail. Picking up the pieces. Self realization. Self Actualization. The Big Romance. Parenting. The list goes on. But my opinion of the overall theme is embedded deeply into my gray matter.
WE ARE INTREPID. WE CARRY ON.
We are. We do. And so we may do it together.
At this point, I am in the middle of my day, and needed to put some words down, just to get them out of my head. I needed to get this introduction completed so that other thoughts and ideas can creep around and claim my attention. So I will be back later. Thanks for joining me on my journey.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)