So for the last 6 months or so, and even before that I went silent about my journey to self actualization.
Not that I felt I was at the end of my journey, but mostly because I have been too into myself and then other things got in the way of blogging, and there was the whole long period of time when I wasn't comfortable with where my computer was in the house, and then the boys taking over the computers, not feeling I had time to write when I really wanted to write, the list goes on and on and on.
Something came up today, and I totally want to address it, and if you are reading this, even in stalker mode, then you are interested to know about me. Might make us better friends, might make you delete me. It is ok. It is what it is.
hmmm... where to start? I guess maybe with me telling of all the horribly bad choices I have made in my life...
Some of you were there for these, some weren't, some won't talk about them because they are the past and not worth talking about....
Letssee... My first date was with a guy who later after high school became involved with devil worship. His mom told me when I worked for her after graduation. My second date was with a guy who was actually incredible, and we hung out a LOT, he spent days at my house watching the 84 Olympics, we did churchy things together, he was a great friend. And I was so stupid and naive that I had no clue he might want to be more. He was older than I was. My third boyfriend was someone we never talk about. EVER. But I will here. This was the guy I thought I was in love with, the bad boy, the persistent boy who chased me until I gave in. My first "time". Also the drug user. And when I got pregnant for him, and told my parents and his parents, I was not given a choice, I was driven to Baton Rouge and forced to have an abortion. An act that I am thankful for at times, and horrified that I allowed it to happen at others. You see, at the time of it all, I was a heavy drinker, pot smoker, pill taker. Yup. ME. I did ALL those things. Not proud of it. Not ashamed. It just is what it is. It happened, can't change it, must move on from there. Had a few boyfriends since, was engaged to a few a few times, nothing traumatic, then I married David in 1994. I have had 2 serious transgressions while married to David, he knows of them. I left him to live with this guy in another state for a few months, was a total bitch, and yet he forgave me, welcomed me back, swept it all under the rug, and we don't talk about it. Nothing to say. I am still a relentless flirt, and if you ever met me you would know why. :-)
Oh, I have dated older men, younger men, blacks, whites, Jews, Malaysians, Chinese, 2 gay guys and even one psychiatrist. So yeah, those stories are true.
Hmmm... I started drinking in about the 9th grade, when I started at Comeaux, mostly because one of my best friends who was a year older than me was a drinker. I couldn't tell you how many nights I spent at the Strip, or someone's house.It was through her that I met my best friends of all time, who were a male gay couple, and who even with our immense age difference spent tons of time with me. They accepted me for the nerdy closet alcoholic I was, and I accepted them for their fabulousness!!! They were there for me during some of the roughest, most horrifying years of my life and even after. I was devastated when they moved to Houston and broke up, right around the height of the AIDS epidemic. We had lost a LOT of friends all in one year, and it had taken a toll on everyone. I started doing drugs and smoking in my junior/senior year. And drinking, always drinking.
After high school I moved around, still drinking heavily, and lived with a dear friend who is on my facebook. We went through hell together for a while there. She was a single mom, pregnant again, coming out of a horrible abusive relationship. She is one of the best influences on my life. And even still, we had some of the most awesome times of my life together.
Ok... now I am to getting married to David. His family NEVER liked me, they never gave me the chance. I was fat and intimidating, and he had just broken up with someone similar, and they hated her, so they hated me. (At least that was what I was told, and my perception) We lived together for a while, broke up, got back together, broke up, got engaged, broke up, and finally got together and got married. My parents were there at the Justice of the Peace. He didn't tell his family for months afterwards. That was NOT my decision, it was his. I had been under the impression that he did ask them, and they refused. We moved out of Louisiana then, and bought a trailer in the country near my parents.
Now, here is where today's issues come in. I have NEVER been a girlie girl, I had never been one to gossip, but about this time, I was getting phone calls from some of my inlaws, and that is all they wanted to do. Gossip about the rest of the family. To try to fit in, I did too. And OMG was there trouble there. A LOT of twisting my words, putting things in my mouth, anything to make me out to be the bad person. Of course, I also learned about that whole "I can talk bad about my family but YOU cannot" thing. I learned it that very hard way. So I stopped taking calls,which made me a bitch, and then there was a long time that we were without a phone, so that helped a LOT! (BTW--- this is the habit I have a VERY difficult time with, I struggle with it to this day. I get caught up and then when I realize it all, I hate myself for it. But some times I can catch myself and stop.)
At this point I was no longer drinking alcohol or doing any type of drug other than cigarettes.
Ok... so now we are up to when I had Nathan and Fletcher.... Nathan was 11 weeks premature. He weighed 2 lbs. The doctors told us he had a low chance of making it to puberty, told us he would be legally blind by then if he survived and that he would never drive a car. He was in the NICU for 114 days. And has been in therapy of one sort or another ever since. I felt so cheated out of having a "normal" pregnancy, that as soon as I was able, I got pregnant again. (I had to wait 3 months because of a rubella shot) I waited, and we found out we were having twins. Unfortunately, 15 weeks early, one of them died inside me, necessitating the immediate birth of the other. So Fletcher was born 15 weeks early,weighed just under 1 pound, and I was told right away that he only had a 10% chance to live at all. He made it through many infections, quarantines etc and was in the NICU for 116 days. My Inlaws came through for us to bury my son in a marked grave. And for that I am forever grateful. My Inlaw was there to bring Fletcher home from the hospital with all of his equipment and oxygen tanks. For that I am forever grateful. My Inlaw cosigned a loan for us so that I could get a vehicle to transport two sick babies around in, and again, I am forever thankful for that. We paid that loan off before it was due. We paid in such a timely manner the company gave us a second loan without co signer which was paid off early, also.
Now, we lived about 2 hours from our inlaws, in Mississippi, where there are casinos. A few times, they made the long trip for birthdays or just to come. Then they started to say they were coming, I would prepare the house, have it spotless, buy extra food, have everything perfect, and they wouldn't show up. We would call and call, and not hear anything back for days, only to find out they went to visit someone else, or they "got lost" and ended up at the casinos until after dark. Those days my boys were anticipating a visit, the house was brimming with excitement, only to be let down. and this happened more than 5 times. After that, I finally learned and stopped preparing for them.
It made more sense for them to come to us, I had two babies, one on monitors and oxygen, and they just had their adult selves. Then, my inlaws were in a major car accident, and once everything was over, and the settlement came in, we were made a promise that never happened. (I was told that I was to be taken to WalMart so they could buy me $250 in groceries, because that was what EACH of the kids got as a gift). Now we could have used those groceries, but it was another casino day, or something and it never happened. Now this whole time, my husband's niece and nephews were getting huge expensive gifts, constantly, a few automobiles were handed out, all kinds of stuff. At least those are the things that WE were told was going on, usually it 'slipped' in conversations. My kids didn't have Christmas from them, but I was constantly being told about their gifts to the other family members.
My cousins whom I had not even spent time with or talked to in YEARS came through with Christmas for my kids. I have NOT forgotten their kindness, love and generosity. My Aunt came through with presents for my boys after we moved up here.
We lost contact with my inlaws once we moved to Cleveland in 2004. The whole time, I am harboring ill feelings about being lied to all those years before. At one point in those 3 years before we moved up here, a situation arose where one of my inlaws was in need of a place to stay for a few days, we offered up our home, I found a babysitter for my boys, drove, helped them pack, got them moved into our house, and under my husband's urging, was elected the one to try and help them with coming up with a budget, or whatever. During this time, I was fighting for my kid's services, battling money issues, family, and having 2 people move in unexpectedly. And I didn't WANT to do that, and probably came off as some know it all jerk. In the end, I had to do what my husband wanted, of COURSE it all went badly, and a relationship was ruined because of it. And that most certainly broke my heart. (Did I learn my lesson? uh, NO.)
Once we were up here, I started drinking again to fit in with a group of friends, and screwed that up royally, and will never be able to make it right again. So I went back to not really drinking (by this I mean drinking every single day, I still am able to have a drink or two, or even three and only once in a while, but I try VERY hard to watch every word out of my mouth when I do. (I am learning!!!) And I do not keep it in the house at all. (Except we still have some nasty gross beer in the fridge from the parties. David likes one once in a while. UGH!!)
Now we are up to date... year before last, I was contacted by an inlaw who asked for money or advice, not sure which about a family member who needed a place to stay, was going without food and living in their car or back and forth between friends. I offered for them to come stay with us, get into college here, and get on their feet, rent free, and was snubbed. Ok. At the time I was hurt. But then I realized that even though *I* care about people I don't know, this person was only like 8 the last time we met, and they didn't know me or David or the boys at all. But I wanted to do whatever I could, and all I could do was offer shelter.
Now we come to last year, when I had my next run in with my inlaws. I was asked for an amount of money I did not have. I asked around and could not raise that amount of money, so I offered what I had. Shelter. I offered this person to stay with us rent free until they could get on their own, which SHOULD have taken maybe 2 months, 3 at the most. David was against this idea. He put his foot down and said no way is this going to happen. I argued that this is family, and we HAVE to help however we can. I saw this as a way to mend bridges, in addition to it being the right thing to do. It backfired completely in my face, just as David had said it would. I was disrespected in my house, I was talked down to, put down, and made to feel like crap for 6 months. Some of my things were damaged or thrown away, and I was made to feel uncomfortable in my own house. In the entire 6 months this person spent maybe a total of 6 hours with my boys. But spent a total of many days texting and calling my husband's other niece and nephews and family and friends. For 6 months I kept my mouth shut. I did everything in my own power to NOT cause any type of conflict or to make this person feel ill at ease. I did everything possible to make this person comfortable, offered a bed (it was refused), bought a TV, had cable installed in their room, gave them their own coffee maker to have the coffee they liked (It was refused), and had my hand bit at every turn. I bit my tongue so much that some days I felt I couldn't even speak. I chauffeured them around when they needed, I listened to stories of my inlaws, all the while being lied to, mislead, and put down. My children's friends did not want to come over anymore. They were disrespected in my house. But I stayed silent. I tried to make this person understand how to live within your means, not by lecture, but by example, but it was lost. This person did pay David a little bit for rent, mostly because all the bills increased significantly (we had not anticipated the huge increase) and this person bought food once or twice a month, which was a huge help, but still 2-3 weeks out of every month treated me like crap. Then again, we had to borrow money to get this person home again, with the promise it would be repaid, and well, you KNOW I am not falling for that again.
With this being said, I am certain I was a bitch at times. Fighting to keep Fletcher's disability, dealing with all members of MY family, having no money to do things we would normally have done, monthly cycles, devastating things happening to people I have grown to care about outside of the family, weather, bills, etc. I am sure that my body language spoke very loudly, and I want to apologize for that, but I cannot just yet. I am human, I am NOT perfect. But this is MY house. And that should have been respected.
So there you have it... most of the crap about me... Of course, I didn't touch on religion, political affiliation, child rearing, mental illnesses, or a million other things that make me who I am. Mostly because I am now exhausted from going back through this, editing, re-editing, I removed about 5 thousand words. Airing my dirty laundry? Yes, I have nothing to hide.
I am a jerk, and a most horrible person. I am a bitch because I am horrible socially. I am wicked, evil, and hated. I have screwed up monumentally!!! And I am sorry for those things. But by the same token, I will be there for YOU at the drop of a hat if I am able. I will pay your bills if I am able. I will give you my clothes if you want them. I will watch your kids for free, help out at the schools, help out with fund raising, help out if at all possible and guess what??? I will NEVER ask for anything in return... And yes, I am sadly certain world war 3 is going to erupt, and I apologize in advance, but the air needs to be cleared. Believe me when I say, this is not some sudden rage filled post. Months of preparation have gone into this. I just knew that however it was done, I had to have witnesses there to defend me when my words, intentions get skewed around. The sad thing is that I know I have been lied about, and once haters tell and believe those words, there is no changing them.
Oh, by the way, I am open for questions, clarifications, apologies, post-editing, laughs, or whatever.
I love you!!!!
